I really need a band. 

it’s not that I think my lyrics are flawless or that I’m a talented singer, it’s just that I miss the performance high and singing.

I used to be in choir. I sang to the point of no return. Technically, I was a soprano but because the altos needed more players, I became an alto. And I loved it. I suddenly felt like I belonged. The music was not only deeper, but it resonated within me. It wasn’t as prominent as the soprano’s medley, but it always made the music cohesive. It was also wildly harder to learn it.

But, when my depression worsened, my voice did too. I couldn’t control air, I became self-conscious, and I completely killed my voice. Not a very happy thought, is it? Either way, I developed a rasp in my voice, but my voice is still high pitched. Not only this, but due to lack of air control, I can’t belt anymore. It honestly saddens me. And sure, I should feel dandy that my classical vocalist dream is ruined, but I don’t.

I know that it will be hard to find a band. I would feel silly if I assumed it would be simple. First off, I’d need to find a group of people that are dedicated and want to write music. There are plenty of dedicated musicians, but there are few that are able to compose their own music. Furthermore, there’s a smaller group of musicians that are able and willing to write music that would actually want to be in a band. 

I’ve lost confidence in my voice. You know, being denied roles in every school musical kind of hurts, especially considering that you have more vocal ability than the others who got roles solely because their friends were directing the play, but it’s far too late to be bitter about that. At the moment, I don’t care about my ability to sing. All I want to do is sing. There are people that have terrible voices but still sing. All I want to do is be in a band playing the keys and sing my little heart out. I want to release my emotions. Lyrics are so personal, and the best way to engage with others are through the stories I decide to tell as a musician. 

I write words down every day. All of which have taken part of some song I’ve written. It only feels natural to be a musician. 

There’s a guitar in the very corner of my room. Maybe I should pick that guitar up again and start my songwriting.